Recently, I came across a file on friendship that I had long forgotten I had, but before I share it with you, I have a bit of a caveat:
Part of my hesitancy in beginning, and certainly resuming, a blog is the idea of vainglory. So I think I just have to clear my conscience on this issue before I proceed any further. I am not writing this to get attention. I am writing it to communicate with people who are interested in what I am currently thinking about. It’s a way to stay in touch on a more than superficial level, and to do so on a user-friendly timetable. So to repeat . . . this is not a “LOOOOOK at MEEEEEEE’ blog. I’m just here thinking and typing and humming to myself. If you want to join me – GREAT! Secondly, one of my greatest fears about expressing my opinions in conversation, much less in print in a public forum, is that people will think that I believe myself to be an authority on whatever I am talking or writing about. I am not. In many ways this is for me an interactive journal, if you will. A place where I jot down with some measure of coherence what I’ve been thinking about or am interested in, and IF someone wants to read it – fine, and if not – no harm no foul. In some ways this is much safer than a conversation in that it’s not directed at any ONE person, and, in theory, the “listener” is less likely to take what I’m saying personally and be hurt by it. Additionally, I’m not boring anyone who isn’t interested. Presumably if you’re interested, you’ll keep reading, and if you’re not, you won’t continue. Any questions? Good. Ok, so now on to the fun stuff . . .
So, many, many years ago, my mom sent me a copy of some tapes Teri Beck in Santa Cruz, CA recorded on friendship. They were fabulous. If I could find them now, I would definitely listen to them again. Sadly, I can’t find the tapes, but I did find the notes from the tapes and a copy of the quiz Teri gave to the ladies who were attending the class. Even today I find the questions to be quite thought provoking and immensely helpful to me as I go through the self-examination process of how good a friend am currently and how I could be a better one. Every once in a while, I find it helpful to review the quiz to see if I’m heading in the direction I really want to be. So, without further adieu – Here’s Teri’s quiz (in a somewhat abbreviated form:
FEARLESS SELF INVENTORY
Please take your time, think carefully, and answer honestly. Check the statements that apply to you.
AS A FRIEND, I TEND TO:
___ be so anxious to talk that I don’t really hear.
___ find I often misunderstand what people tell me.
___ be judgemental, rather than understanding.
___ turn conversations back to myself.
___ get upset if my friend does not act on my advice.
___ talk a lot.
___ get annoyed when people talk to me during a t.v. program or when I’m reading.
___ have trouble keeping my friend’s secrets.
___ use “I” in almost every sentence I speak.
___ feel like people should do things for me.
___ be demanding about getting what I want.
___ rarely offer hospitality in my home.
___ constantly find fault with others.
___ cringe inwardly when asked by the church to serve somehow.
___ be lonely and feel like my friends have deserted me.
___ feel exhilarated when attention-getting problems beset me.
___ complain a lot.
___ rarely volunteer to help solve the problems I complain about.
___ have a hard time saying “thank you.”
___ do not like to compliment others.
___ do not think to compliment others.
___ expect people to thank me for my services.
___ have trouble acknowledging my friends’ successes and growth.
___ am chronically late.
___ rarely return borrowed items on time and in good condition.
___ say I’ll do something and then fail to carry through on my commitments.
___ want to serve only in areas that are glamorous in the public eye.
___ have no problem telling others where they are wrong.
___ have no problem telling others how they have failed me.
___ like to take charge whenever I can.
___ have difficulty admitting I might be wrong.
___ have trouble making commitments.
___ be inflexible about my plans.
___ use sarcasm in my humor.
___ use sarcasm to let people know I am irritated or upset.
___ make untrue excuses when I have failed a friend.
___ try to get attention in ways that sometimes embarrass my friends.
___ always have problems to share.
___ try to persuade my (friend, mother, father, husband) with tears when I don’t get my way.
___ sulk or pout when people don’t do things my way or offend me.
___ give my friends the “icy silence” treatment when they offend me.
___ feel like I’m always rushing to meet the urgent needs of my friends.
___ want one close friend I can spend most of my time with.
___ depend solely on my husband for friendship.
___ am jealous when my friend tells me how much she enjoys being with someone else.
___ blurt out my problems to my friend immediately, without first discovering her emotional readiness to handle them.
___ be shy about expressing my love to my friends.
___ gossip about others with my friends.
___ credit other people with ideas or complaints that are actually my own.
___ interrupt someone who is telling a story to make sure all the details are correct.
___ get upset when people confront me about my problems.
___ avoid conflict at all costs.
___ hold grudges.
___ avoid contact with someone I’ve offended or someone who has offended me.
___ be disappointed in people who don’t live up to my expectations.
___ expect people to know when I’m lonely or sick and call me.
___ expect the church women to help me with chores that I could do myself.
___ have trouble asking for help.
___ feel that life does not treat me fairly.
___ compare myself to others.
___ be willing to help only in areas or ministries I enjoy.
___ give gifts that I would enjoy receiving, without considering the tastes of the recipient.
___ have difficulty putting myself in my friend’s place and serving her as she desires to be served.
___ have no close friends.
___ get impatient when my friend gives me advice.
___ keep a guard up so my friends will not the deepest (and perhaps roughest) sides of me.
___ abandon a friendship when the going gets tough.
